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Husband is due to come back in weeks....
7 replies
jfray08
Joined: 08/25/2009
User offline. Last seen 1 año 1 semana ago.

My husband is due to come back from iraq in weeks. As of the last month or two he has been very mean and saying hurtful things on the phone or on the computer. Hes always hanging up on me and signing off on me getting into constant arguements about stupid things. I know hes under stress and i know theres alot going on that i dont know about. Isnt this supose to be a happy time? Hes coming home n getting out of the hell hole? Why is he being so mean? I dont think we had one civil conversation in probably a good month or so. Im afraid he doesnt want to come back here to our daughter and me. We were only married a month before he left. Im new to the whole army life. I want to be sympathedic, i want to be understandable and i want to be a support for my husband. But im finding it hard when he is so mean to me.....any insight what im in for when he comes home? How is things going to go? Hows he gona act? How should i act? What should/shouldn't i say? Im actually kinda of scared, i dont know what to expect....

ado
Joined: 02/28/2010
User offline. Last seen 5 días 11 horas ago.
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ado
Joined: 02/28/2010
User offline. Last seen 5 días 11 horas ago.
ado

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Quinault
Joined: 09/17/2009
User offline. Last seen 48 semanas 4 horas ago.
Have you heard about how

Have you heard about how inmates in prison can become "institutionalized"? Our guys/girls over there often become institutionalized on deployments. Everything is decided for them and the idea of coming back and having to start all over again is terrifying. And there is the familial aspect of military life. They are their own little family or crew over there and leaving those people feels like the break up of a family. Over there is to a large extent a hell hole. But it has been "home" for quite awhile for him. So the place isn't entirely bad to him.

They get upset over coming back not because they don't want to see or deal with us, but because they don't want to deal with civilian life again. It is REALLY scary for these guys to come back. Be understanding and remind him of how much you love him. But don't expect him to be completely happy about coming back. Communicate to him that you understand that he has big transitions ahead of him and that you understand that is a very daunting prospect for him. Don't schedule a whole bunch of things to do when he comes back. Just try and take things slow and minimize visitors for awhile after he is back. He will sleep ALOT for a good month or so after he is back. Follow his lead on what you do when he is back. Don't gripe about his gear smelling or not being put away. In fact, tell him not to put away his gear right away. Leave it in a place where it is somewhat out of sight and mind for now and have him get to it when he is ready.

Be very patient and loving. Don't expect a whole lot of him talking about things over there. He will bring it up when he is ready. But when he is ready to talk about it you need to give him your UNDIVIDED attention. Ask questions but don't push for details. These sorts of things are like a ball of yarn that slowly unravels. Just let him know how much you love him and be patient. He may act angry and somewhat hostile toward you. Don't give into getting angry right back. Just patiently remind him that you love him and if he needs to vent that is OK, but that you don't want to get into throwing insults back and forth. If you respond in anger then it will just escalate. Don't become a doormat for abuse, but realize that he may pick fights with you. They can often feel so guilty about being gone that they will pick fights with you to GET YOU to be angry with them. They can feel like they deserve to be punished and will try and get you to punish them if you aren't doing so. But that will not help your marriage or his PTSD

And I have to say what I always say to everyone. Get him to go to PTSD counseling. There is a HUGE stigma attached to going to counseling. There is a general idea that if you need counseling you aren't fit to lead. Remind him that it takes tremendous strength to admit when you need help. And make sure that you each go to individual counseling as well as marital counseling. He needs to understand that you are willing to work just as hard as he is. And if you ask him to be the only one to go to counseling then he will feel like you are blaming him. Even if you both think everything is OK, you need to go to counseling anyway.

maurita
Joined: 09/11/2009
User offline. Last seen 51 semanas 5 días ago.
Not an Expert

I am a spouse of a returning vet and we are still transitioning over 120 days since he has returned. I can only suggest you reiterate that you love your husband and perhaps start contacting a counselor on your own behalf. It sounds as if your husband is displacing anger at you that he may feel toward something else. I am very sorry for what you are experiencing. I would not try to force him to talk, but upon his return I would tell him that you are concerned and are unsure what he wants you to do. Hopefully your FRG group is active and planning an event for the entire family where resources will come to you and present the benefits that are available for returning vets. Stay Strong and God Bless.